That night I left him by himself. He was unable to move after the brief transmission when he became the universe and nothing at the same time.
Lying in my bed away from him, a few floors below the deck where I left him, I could feel his anxiety, his thoughts and his emotions. He was in turmoil. I sensed the anger rising in him as I was seeing him thought the many floors of the cruiser.
I felt him get up and go to his room where he did not feel welcomed, sharing a room with another woman and her children. Where the women’s aggression towards him was hurting his soul and bringing pain and torture in his mind and heart. He went back to the open air looking at the stars, going in and out of different states of thoughts and feelings.
That night, I felt him so strongly and wanted to save him, wanted to go and take him in, into the room, into my arms, into my womb. But resisted, out of fear for for loosing myself. He touched my heart so deeply. I have never experienced such a total surrender, he is such a pure soul, such a natural Tantric Master. And he does not even realize all that he is. The following morning, my heart was in so much pain, deep longing and burning desire to be reunited with him. I wanted to see him, to hear his voice. I was falling in love with my student, my teacher, the innocent, the pure at heart. I was in the library, listening to a speaker on the programme I was enrolled on. Suddenly I felt my heart pulled and looked to the side. I saw him looking at me intently through the glass partition. Instantly, I stood up as if bitten by a King Cobra snake garbed my books and bag and rushed to the door to meet him. He was there for less 20 seconds and wanted to know how long it would take before I would noticed him. He thinks he is invisible, not realizing the power of his presence and the affect he has on others, since he does not understand himself. Others are confused about his power and shy away from him. He is unpredictable at times, spontaneous in nature, yet suppresses his natural tendencies in consideration for others’ expectations. He is like an unexpressed volcano waiting to erupt. He is very much noticed when he walks into the room. Like a jaguar believing he is a pussy cat.
Elated and intoxicated with happiness being reunited, we walked as if we were separated for centuries and now found each other again. We were innocent and happy as we walked on the deck, talking with urgency, so much to share after a long night of seperation, the crew watching us, and celebrating with us. I felt so young. The joy of being near him, feeling his energy and his desire and longing, was intoxicating. All that mattered was this very moment, nothing else existed. I felt like a cloud floating in the sky. I was the sky! I was the dolphins that were playing in the water beside us. I was the foam forming as the ship sailed by. I felt as young as a teenager. Elated intoxicated and very much in love.
He asked to learn more, "teach me, teach me" he whispered and implored with urgency. I took him in and prepared for his forgiveness ritual, the first step in freeing himself and healing past wounds. Due to language misunderstandings, when I told him the words he needed to repeat himself, he heard the words as if I was asking for his forgiveness. This was exactly what he actually needed to heal the imprint of his abusive mother. I let go of the ‘protocol’ and my ego and continued to asked his forgiveness and bowed down to him. It was too much for him to let go the whole way and his mind entered and interfered with perfectly good “reasoning”. He felt that I did not hurt him but he felt the pain and memory of the hurt inflicted by his mother rejecting him, abusing and humiliating him, his wife for not opening herself to him fully to receive him on many levels and withholding sexually, as if a manipulative weapon against him. He went as deep as he was able to at this point. It ripped through his body as I bowed down and he cried. He was so wounded, so starved of love, not been seen for years. Tantric Honouring: He lay on the bed and I stroked his body, spreading the energy all over, honouring every part as equal. Spreading the orgasmic energy to his feet, his third eye, along the vertical column from his Vajra (penis), his ‘magic wand of light’, his manhood, a most exquisite and unusual looking penis in a shape of an open hooded Cobra. Stroking the energy up to his third eye. He was in bliss. I was honoured to touch the body of a God who does not know that he is the Siddhartha. He was in Samadhi (a non-dualistic state of consciousness becoming One with all) He naturally breathed through his mouth, going deeper into bliss. Allowing expansion, surrendering deeper.
Continually I have warned him that getting involved with a Tantra practitioner on a path working with the Cosmic Cobra energy that it is dangerous and that he should keep away. I pushed him away several times and he persisted. His coming back despite my pushing away is a sign of a dedicated and committed student, stubborn and not knowing what he is brining himself to. I told him that he is walking into the fire, that will consume his soul, the place of no return. I did not tell him that it will also purify him, liberate him. I did not want to encourage him. He said that he is afraid of everything, he lives in fear, but this does not frighten him. It is rear to find such a true Tantrika (tantra practitioner/devotee). He told me that I was the one who was afraid from myself. Wisdom emanated from Shiva. I was afraid to lose all the I was and have. By attempting to preserve myself, my old life, I was not true to the path, that demands all, even family commitment. I was afraid to lose the definition of myself that I have just managed to conjure up after years of questing and was comfortable. The night before, being with him, putting our third eyes together felt like heaven manifested. We were one soul reunited, ‘re-membered’ and integrated. Nothing else existed but Diving Love. It was as if he penetrated me in the forehead, it was the ultimate “mind fucking” with our clothes on.
|
